For some reason I'm really depressed again. I was doing great! Going out with my friends, making the effort to be social. I threw Tanner a birthday party and helped plan Pajama Jam. But now all I want to do is curl up on the floor and cry until there's no more tears. But of course I can't cry. I don't think I know how to anymore. Sure I can come up with a crocodile tear if it'll help me get my way with Tanner. But a good long cry is just not gonna happen.

I guess it just started with P-Jam. Everybody was being really immature. Not that I'm sooo grown up. But please. We even got a noise complaint and they called Megan at home (we were using her discount at the marriott) I was so incredibly pissed off.  I  let it go and tried to have a good time for the rest of the night. But when I eventually got tired enough to go to bed I got really sad and lonely. I guess it was the sleeping alone thing. Even when Tanner's out of town I have the dogs, especially Natalie. She's my little cuddler. When i woke up in the morning I  just wanted to get home. I haven't been able to shake this horrible sadness since.

I just feel like everything in my life has been at a standstill for the past couple of years. Tanner makes every major thing into a huge uphill battle. I've known he was the man I was going to marry since our first date. And we've been "engaged" for MONTHS. But still I have no ring. I've never been one of those girls who needs to have a diamond. But its what it represents that I want. I want people to look at my hand and have no doubt that someone wants to make me his wife. Namely I want to be able to tell his worthless family. It still hurts my heart when they talk about his brother and his girlfriend house hunting. Because of the way they reacted when Tanner and I made an offer on  a place. It pisses me off that Tanner can't be open with them about anything in our relationship. I've never gone behind my parents backs with my major decision. Because I am an ADULT. If they dont like it, tough shit.

I've been thinking about what my life would be like if I left Tanner. Not that I want to. But if things continue down this path I might have to. He still has so much growing up to do. And I what to start my life. I'm not going to be living my life and making my decision based on what his mom can handle. Grow up, please.

Then again there's the job thing. I love what I do. But I'm not sure its what I should be doing. I take everything so personal. Patients call and harass us constantly. I have no control over when someone in the back is going to get a second to call them back. We see patients from the moment we open to the moment we close. We attempt to squeeze in a lunch break some where around mid day. But our patients don't seem to understand that. Most of the  messages and phone calls wont be able to be returned until the end of the day. If its a dire matter get your butt to the ER. Don't scream at me. I just don't know where else I should be and what I should be doing.

I've come to a realization about my body image. I'm done starving myself to be a size I'm not supposed to be. My weight always evens out to be the weight that I am right now. And to be smaller I have to go to extremes. I'm sick of feeling bad about what I've eaten or starving myself all day to only binge at night when I get home. This doesn't mean that love how my body looks right now. It just means I need to stop focusing on how much I weigh. And work on getting healthy and toned. I'm not going to follow some diet craze or take pills that make me shaky and moody. I'm going to use simple nutrition and exercise to feel better about myself. Because in the end thats all that really works.